Catwoman: Not the Sexy Cat Lady You Hoped For

cat1vRelationship: I’ve never read a Catwoman comic and even my knowledge of the Batman universe mostly relies on the movies or animated works more than the comics.

Synopsis: A poor, weak, reserved Selina Kyl….I mean Patience Phillips, is killed after discovering the negative effects of a skin beauty cream. Then she beats the snot out of Sharon Stone in a lesbian fantasy of skin-tight leathery proportions. Yup folks, that’s the whole plot. Sexy hot actress versus the beauty cream industry. Revlon versus Dior.

Review: I had avoided this film mostly because…well…it’s rated as one of the worst movies of all time. But because of you, my loyal readers, I was willing to trudge through the bowels of movie hell and confirm that Halle Berry is indeed one of the worst actresses of all time. I like to compare every comic book movie to Batman v. Superman, one of my least favor films, but thanks to Catwoman, I know a low so pitiful it has restored my faith in BvS.

Why? Why would you do this to a fictional character? What did they do to deserve this? Did Catwoman break up your marriage? Did Eartha Kitt scare your children with her ability to roll her R’s? Did Halle Berry once shit in a bag and leave it flaming on your doorstep? Are you making good on a bet you lost in second grade? Cause I think all of the above are true.

When Patience dies and comes back, some dingy cat near a sewer outlet steps onto Berry’s chest and breathes some rank green mist into her mouth. It causes some minor schizophrenia and in a single breath, teaches her martial arts (and the ability to use a whip of course.) So I’ll suspend disbelief. Disbelief that Halle Berry can fight, that she can balance on the back of her couch, and that she can climb walls while wearing high heels. I however, can not, under no circumstances, believe this woman is a talented graphic designer. You lost me Warner Brothers. Where’s Batman Forever, I need something believable to watch.

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So, she’s possessed by a cat spirit from Egypt, you know, the birth place of modern martial arts. She get’s a bit wild after a crazy cat lady throws down some insane back story. Because I would instinctually believe woman housing twenty plus cats. But it’s okay, because she sews herself a superhero costume (notice the many tears, because Halle Berry has mad sewing skills) and she goes to work fighting crime. Against herself. Somewhere in the plot she remembers the evil makeup company and decides to beat them up. There are great lines such as…and…oh yeah, the movie on mute would get a better grade.

But love story aside (because I’ve already forgotten the name of the character and the actor who played him) there is a great woman-on-woman scene at the end. Sharon Stone, who is overly depressed because she’s old wants to slap Catwoman and possibly needs to have a pillow fight while doing each other’s hair. Somehow the evil makeup has made her a super villain which she graciously explains to us during the middle of the girl fight. Catwoman goes all CGI on her ass and somehow wins the day.

Halle Berry’s acting isn’t the worst part of the movie. The ongoing attempts to make a cat-like woman who moves in the same manner as a cat is almost as ridiculous as Sabertooth during the first X-Men movie. She goes from actress to animated over and over again, her spine bending in ways that would crush her body. I wonder if they just cut parts out of the video game and tossed them into the movie.

In the iconic words of Halle Berry, Catwoman herself, “I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, god-awful movie… It was just what my career needed.” I’m sending her a gift basket to make her feel better.

Gift Basket

Grade:
Plot – F
Script – F
SFX – D-/F
Comicness – D


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